Keepin It Real

I’m Fat…Not Ugly

I get a lot of people who thank me for being transparent in my posts. Truth is, I keep a lot of secrets from you guys. Typically, I struggle with talking about a topic for months before I ever tell you guys and after I post something personal I worry about how it will be received. I spend the week after I post something intimate checking the comments, likes, and shares for negativity or any type of bad feedback. Although I rarely get any negativity, when I do, I internalize it and it takes me awhile to get over it to write something personal again. I’m aware that this is toxic and trust me, I’m working on it. So in good faith I have to tell you all about my most recent life struggle…my weight

I started gaining weight when I got a job in food service a couple years back. Although I LOVED that job, I was working 50+ hour without a normal or consistent work schedule and I was SURROUNDED by unhealthy food. Most days I would have a maximum of ten minutes to stuff something down my throat before getting called to help someone or finish a task or do an interview or run across town to another location. Most days, I worked through my lunch. You could find me with one hand on the computer and the other hand filled with chips or fries or a sandwich.

My eating only got worse when I broke up with my boyfriend. The added stress of a very toxic breakup took a toll on my physical appearance and also how I personally felt about my physical appearance. For most of my adult life, I hadn’t struggled with the way I look. I always saw myself as the beautiful but different looking flower. I was used to men hitting on me and having conversations with themselves in my DMs.

I knew I needed help after my mom died because I saw myself doing something I’d never done before. I used food as a comfort mechanism because all my old coping skills were now useless or dead. I quit my job and I would spend the whole day in bed eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I didn’t do my hair or shower so I literally didn’t see a mirror for about a month. When I finally looked in that mirror, I was DISGUSTED! How could I allow myself to get to this level? What was wrong with me? It was worse when I stepped on the scale and saw the worst combination of three digits…215

Up until then, the heaviest I ever was was in college when I weighed about 176. I had been a victim of the freshman 15 but because of my professional cheerleading career most of my weigh gain was pure American muscle. I loved the way the added weight made me look. I had muscles in all the right places and I felt good. Last spring, standing on the scale, looking at the creature in the mirror, I was ashamed. I wept uncontrollably. I told myself that this was the reason my boyfriend broke up with me. I told myself that no one would ever love anyone who looked like me. I told myself that I would never wear nice clothes again because they wouldn’t fit me.

I was fed up…I joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. I was excited for the journey but nervous to do the work. But I was so desperate to prove to myself that I could accomplish something. I was at the gym everyday…EVERY DAY! At my peak I spent an hour and a half in the afternoon with my trainer and another hour in the evening at the gym with my friends or at bootcamp class. I became obsessed with comparing pictures, outfits, and standing on the scale. I weighed myself before every workout and after every meal. I cried when the number moved up and cried when the number didn’t move down more than five pounds. I constantly texted or called my trainer (who quickly became my best friend) complaining that I was fat.

In all my obsessive behavior, I did manage to lose a combined 24lbs which made me really happy because my goal was to lose 20lbs in two months. I was SO unhappy! Now, I was 20lbs lighter….and hungry! How was it that the only time in my life I actually committed to working out, I was the most unhappy and self conscious? All the fitness trainers I followed on IG seemed like they were mocking me. Instead of being inspired by their quotes and videos I was jealous! Insanely jealous because a lot of them put in less time at the gym than me but were seeing better results. My mood swings were out of control, I was angry all the time and my depression was at its worse. After my weight loss my days went like this:

10A: Wake up (10 minute cry)

Check the mirror to see if it looks like I lost weight

1030A: Back to sleep

1PM: Wake up (check social media, post on IG so my friends know I’m not dead)

Check the mirror…again and try on some clothes I couldn’t fit 

2PM: Drink protein shake, eat fruit, pop weight loss pill

2:30PM: Hard cry for 30 minutes while I get dressed for the gym

3PM-5PM: At the gym

5:30PM: Eat something (fast food or Panera)

6PM: Cry until I fall asleep

8PM: Meet friends at the gym for class

930PM: Eat something (fast food)

10P-5A: Stay up to play sims, sing loudly to music, and watch tv (yes at the same time)

I spent the entirety of the summer and fall of 2018 doing this routine. I hated the way I looked and I just wanted to look like the best version of me! I wanted to be the darkskin bombshell I always wanted to be. I found myself praying to God begging Him to just make me skinny! MY weight loss wasn’t going as fast as I wanted it to and to make it worse I had to watch my friends all lose weight and reach their goals. It made me feel worse. What am I doing wrong?

I changed my eating habits and started focusing on my relationship with God. God was so gracious and conquered my depression. I was so thankful to finally feel like a human being again. But now I was just a fat human being. In my soul searching, I ate. In the late fall of 2018, I gained ALL my weight back…and then some. It became hard again to walk past the mirror and I felt myself slipping toward my old routine. I prayed to God, “Please help me, I just want to be healthy, confident, and fit.” The next day I heard a preacher say, “God is not going to do what you already have the power to do.” It was like God was saying,”I’m not a genie, you have to do the work.”

So where am I at now? STILL FAT, friends! I, like so many others, have re-committed myself to my weight loss journey in this new year. I can say that getting fit this time around is a lot harder! The first day I worked out I literally thought I was going to die. I was breathing heavy and sweating and I just wanted to give up!

I think for me the real obstacle is not working out its that I’m scared. I’m scared of that I will fail at maintaining or continuing any fit life changes I start. My worst fear is losing 50lbs then gaining them back after I get married. I don’t want to be hungry for the rest of my life because I’m dieting or eating less. I don’t want to avoid restaurants because they have really good unhealthy food. It’s been a struggle trying to balance being healthy and living a full life. I know this is not the case for everyone but for me this mountain is so big I can’t imagine how I’m going to get over.

Part of me wants to go to the nearest plastic surgeon and tell them to chop it all off. The other part of me wants to start running until I see the fat fall off. Either way, I’ve decided that the best way to be consistent and pleased is to be honest with you guys, my internet family, because if I want to be honest with myself, I have to have accountability.

Am I the only one struggling? Comment below your weight loss tips, tricks, and hacks. Let me know of your favorite workout regime and share this with your workout partner.

k, good talk

-J

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4 thoughts on “I’m Fat…Not Ugly

  1. I read this and saw myself and I cried! Thank you for being so transparent. I have made a commitment to myself to get this weight off and become a healthier me but I want to be a happier me whether I lose the weight or not! Love you sis!

  2. I relate so much to you Janae! I’m ultimately trying to change my relationship with food. Not labeling them as “good” or “bad” foods. Instead looking at them as fun foods in moderation. Gotta have self love and accept yourself and be the best version of you. We’re not all meant to look like one another. I want to be healthy in terms of being able to exercise and not feel defeated afterwards. I love food and always will so I just need to find balance. Love your content girl! 😇

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