From the second I became sexually active in high school I began telling myself that I would never be a mom. With all the close calls and irresponsible sexual behaviors I’ve had, I just knew that God was waiting to get me back. He was gonna wait until i was healthy in love and marriage and then boom he’d make me miscarry a baby. Or worse my husband and I would start trying for children just to find out I’m sterile. This is what I told myself for years. That my pre Christ life meant I deserved to be childless.
Even when God told me that my purpose in life is to Mother others. A large part of me took those words and heard “you’ll never have biological children so you’ll need to Mother ones that don’t belong to you”. I had prepared my heart to be broken by a situation my imagination had created. I knew I wanted to be a mom and now I knew that God wanted me to be one as well but for some reason i was still prepping my heart to adopt children legally or unofficially as my mom had done for so many years. God even took it a step further when He gave me the names of my children. I hadn’t even been praying for it and their names dropped into mine and my husbands’ ears at the same time. We were overjoyed at the beauty and meaning of their names but even then my mind wouldn’t let me get my hopes up too high just in case. This continued even when my beautiful goddaughter was born, I told myself pray for her and cover her like she is my own flesh and blood because she would be the closest thing I had to a biological child.
It wasn’t until I started planning my wedding that I began to speak life over my womb for the very first time. I realized that after the wedding the first thing people would ask is when we are planning on making children. I knew that I would be frustrated and antsy about these questions because I truly don’t know which would cause anxiety for me. So, I had to pray for God to help me navigate these emotions and questions about my life. I began to untie the tangled lies in my mind over the state of my fertility. This has been no easy task. I began to think about when all this started and how many years I have been feeding myself these lies. For over 15 years I have been saying these terrible things so I knew that in order to destroy these notions, it would take more time then my patience had to give.
You would think that after praying for my womb once I would begin to believe that I would have children….nope! After praying once, I saw no change in my mindset and it discouraged me.
One night while chatting on the phone with a friend, I made what I thought was a very funny self deprecating joke about being infertile. I paused after the joke waiting for her to laugh but instead she said, “Thats not funny Janae”. I assured her it was. “Thats something you’ve been struggling with for years. Why would you say that when your soul doesnt know the difference between the truth and a joke. You become what you say and if your goal is to be childless then you are on your way.” I didn’t respond. I let the words sink in. I wanted to feel the weight of them and see if this was something I could handle. It wasn’t. So as soon as we got off the phone I buried my face into my bedroom floor and wailed. I cried for my embarrassment. I cried because her words stung. I cried because I had been bullying myself. I cried because the truth that being a mom was scarier to me than not being a mom.
I sat on the floor, breathing deeply and crying. I meditated on her words until I got a revelation from God. This was not a new revelation but it was a new understanding of one He had already given me.
It made sense that I was struggle with the idea of Mothering:
1. My mom is no longer here and she would be the person I trust the most to ask parenting questions.
2. The adversary wants me to convince myself of a lie because it would serve him greatly if I didn’t produce.
See, there’s another thing I have been telling myself since I was 5. I told myself that when I grew up I wanted to rule the world so I could make it better. As I got older, this dream turned into: I want to rule the world so everyone would know God and be better in all things. Which is a noble goal but what would happen if I achieve that goal and then I die? Would the dream die along with me? This troubled me because the answer would be to pass on the torch to someone else.
The only way that passing the torch could be successful is if I gave birth to someone who would one day take my place. If I gave birth to someone else who eventually wanted to show people to Jesus just like me this would work and I could pursue my dream with confidence. As I sat on the floor thinking all this through I started thinking about the Bible and some of my favorite characters in it. See, all throughout the Bible it talks about legacy and generations and how important it is to pass down things, ideas, & dreams to the ones after you. I hold that value in my heart because I am a victim of the negative impact of generational curses. I want to leave the world in a better state than when I found it.
I realized sitting on that floor that the reason I want a child so bad is because both the desire to show people God & the desire to give birth came from God Himself. The fear I had with giving birth and all the things that lead up to it did not come from God. So I only had two choices: believe God or believe the devil. Sitting on that floor…I chose God. I chose to believe the Promise of God. I chose to put my trust in Him even when I had no faith in my own strength or ability.
Although I write this blog still happily childless at the moment, and enjoying this season of wedded bliss, I still pray daily for my fertility. I pray that when the time is correct that we will be able to bring life. Some days when I pray, I don’t believe it. So, I also tell God that in my prayer. The key is to be honest with Him and not try to be the ‘perfect Christian’. I know that I still may have these fears when I do decide to start trying for a baby but what I also know is that being honest with God, my husband, & friends will keep me anchored no matter how this journey to motherhood goes and that brings me peace and joy knowing that the enemy doesn’t have control or say and because he is a liar everything he says is the opposite of truth. So, I will get pregnant. I will be a Mother. I will help my kids grown and learn. I will teach them all the things I learn. They will have the same heart for the will of God.
K, good talk