I have realized this week that it is hard for me to just go. However, this has been the mandate God has given me. During my recent time of consecration and the days following it, this has been the Word spoken to me. During my fast I reread the story of Noah. I really felt like God was giving me all the answers Ive been seeking from Noah’s life. I learned that Noah just went…he did so with the strategy that the Lord gave Him and nothing else. He didn’t have a picture of the boat or what the inside would look like. He didn’t know how the sleeping arrangements would work or if the animals would get along or choose to rebel against him and his family. HE didn’t even know if his family would survive the ordeal physically or emotionally.
So what’s holding me back? Fear… The answer is simple but the solution for me is hard. Now, this is not the fear of failing it’s the fear of success. The fear of being who I’ve always avoided. The people others look up to. The people who have a platform who have to choose their words carefully because it may come back to bite them one day. My whole life I’ve felt unseen. And in this new season the enemy has now tricked me into being fearful of the one thing I wanted…being seen. I guess I thought being seen was just being appreciated and heard by my peers and family but with the way things are now and how far advanced technology is…the same people who now see me are the ones who will then show me to others and I have to be honest in saying that…I’m not sure I want that.
As a joke a couple years ago, my friend said that I would be a pastor’s wife. She said that I would be the most unorthodox first lady ever! “I couldn’t be a first lady, I don’t even like wearing bras.” We laughed creating fake scenarios of how I would handle basic duties of a first lady in a way that neither of us could imagine any devoted woman of God. Something about imagining me being a spiritual mother to many and seen as a role model was funny. If anyone has met Janae BC (Before Christ) then you know not wearing a bra is just scratching the surface of the many qualities i posses that many deem un-ladylike. Since then, it’s been our little inside joke that we’ve let a few others in on.
But now, after meeting the man that God made for me, it hit me like a ton of bricks…I’m going to be someone’s first lady. When I got this revelation, I went through the stages of grief in reverse.
Acceptance: I can change the WORLD! I can show the lost and found that loving God is not about perfection but about being imperfect and seeking a perfect God.
Depression: My parents are dead. My life is in shambles. There’s so many things that need to be fixed first. I can’t do it, I feel overwhelmed.
Bargaining: Maybe I could just help change the area I live in. Maybe I could help my church out. I don’t belong on anyone’s stage so maybe I could just be behind the scenes instead of out front.
Anger: I just want my mom! I don’t want to be a face or known to people. I just asked for a husband that loves you so we can raise beautiful black babies who love themselves and others. Why are you putting me through all this as if it will help me?
Denial: Maybe that’s not where He’s taking me. Maybe I overreacted or misinterpreted what I thought I heard the Lord say. Maybe I’m just being optimistic about who He wants me to be. Yes, that’s it. This is just the means to a different end He hasn’t told me about yet.
And yet, in my heart, I believe none of them. My heart knows but my flesh rebels. It rebels against the good and that is how I am confident that this is what God has for me. The fact that I am swarmed with fear in these areas is only further confirmation that I am being attacked which means the way I DON’T want to go is the way God wants me to go. You would think knowing this brings me comfort…it doesn’t! Obedience is not the same as peace and comfort. In fact, most of the time we aren’t even aware that they are in the same room at the same time but they are. We think that peace and comfort should be side by side on the road with obedience. In reality, it is common that peace and comfort come AFTER we are obedient.
Real life example: A son is in the woods with his father. They are casually walking through a short cut from their house to the corner store to reward themselves with some sweets. They are talking and everything is normal. Suddenly, the Father pushes the son off the path onto the ground into a ditch. The son is shocked, muddy and confused. The son looks up to see the Father still on the path. He stands there erect and solid waiting for something. Just as the son is about to ask the Father ‘what the heck He pushed him for’ a bullet wizzes in between them at the exact spot the son was previously standing at. The son is no longer upset about his muddy clothes he is now filled with gratefulness for the Fathers watchful eye.
So why does my flesh still rebel? What is it in me that is still screaming as I recall the answers to my problem? It’s my friend fear. My loyal friend. Fear is not the good friend that gives you solid advice or has your back in tough situations but it is the friend that is always there. Having fear as a constant in my life makes it so hard to divorce it. So hard to get rid of it. So hard to delete its contact info out of my phone and out of my life. But, I know that in this new season of life. The man I love is asking for more of me. He wants more of me so He can give more of Himself.
He told me, “I need a new level from you.” I knew that that meant a new level of faith, a new level of trust, a new level of obedience, a new level of work. The way I had been operating was over. The grace that was on my life from my past season would not accompany me in this new one. Here I was thinking that grace was points you earn and keep. You stack it up like book or collectibles. Instead grace is just as seasonal as jobs or cars and once it’s gone you can’t go back and get it. How crazy would I look if I went to the dump to go find my 1997 Honda Accord when I just bought a brand new 2020 Audi? So, I have to let the old grace go and grab hold to the new grace. The new thing. Because with this next level of intentionality God was asking me for comes new levels of peace, new levels of blessings, new levels of love, new levels of wisdom, new levels of satisfaction in Him. All the things my heart desires but first I have to let go of…fear!
k, good talk