I’m not a nice person. My natural instinct when people stare at me in passing at the grocery store is to ask them if they have an eye problem. After getting over years of being bullied and being afraid to speak up for myself, it takes a lot for me to trust people. That mistrust paired with my natural Resting Bitch Face usually provides me with a forest big enough to hid in when strangers invade my space. But then, there are strangers that who see my forest and plan to journey through the thick trees to find the real me. Most people would call these adventurous type humans friends, I call them pests I can’t get rid of. Most of these pests end up being some of my favorite human beings. In fact there are a couple that I love doing life with and our friendship has continuously grown and strengthened through the years. Unfortunately, that hasn’t been the case for every brave soul I’ve encountered. There have been casualties. Mass casualties. Mass casualties that have caused several types of tragedy. Tragedies I’ve caused. Tragedies I saw coming and failed to prevent. Tragedies that took me by surprise.
These tragedies, mistrust, & disappointment I’ve experienced have planted a seed in my heart and produced my favorite flower called unforgiveness. When I started this new devote walk with Christ, I knew I would have to get rid of my precious plant I’ve been religiously watering for years. I’d have to forgive my parents, myself, the church, former romantic interests, & old friends whose only physical remains in life lie in the confines of my block list. My block list, a trophy room for people whose voice I no longer wanted to hear but whose pain I wanted to relive to keep me in this spinning cycle I called home. But how do I get out of this? This never ending black hole. I didn’t know how or what I was looking for but I knew the Bible had the answer. I found this:
Psalm 51:10 says, “Create pure thoughts in me & make me faithful again. (Contemporary Ver.)”
I read this verse over and over until it applied to every piece of my life. I researched it’s origins and what it meant to the author. This was written by David after he slept with a woman that wasn’t his wife. Yes, the same David that danced so unashamed and so hard his clothes fell off. This entire chapter is his prayer for forgiveness. His prayer in it’s entirety is so sincere and humble. He talks about how God did nothing to deserve his disobedience. This statement caused me to take a look at myself and my life. And while I could be out in the world doing things like stealing, taking drugs or sleeping with married men. I’m no better than the people that do because I was drinking heavily, disrespecting my body, and eating unhealthily. And for the first time in a long time I felt convicted. My soul ached because I let God down, I let my self down. I was ashamed. I apologized to God although I knew He had already forgiven me. And for about a month I thought to myself, how can I show God I’m serious about never making these mistakes again? How can I remind MYSELF to die to my own will. A reminder that urges and temptations will come but I will remain unchanged & focused on God and God only.
It’s beyond resisting sexual urges, its about dying every single day. Every single moment of my life will be without involving any basic or mandatory human need in place of God’s knowledge, protection, & power. He alone is the single most important aspect of my life and my purity ring is my reminder that I won’t be left out. There’s no need for me to have a defensive forest to protect myself when strangers stare at me, or I remember the mean things bullies used to say. God purifies me daily. Every time I wake up and slip on my ring, He is creating pure thoughts for me, pure actions, and washing away the sins from yesterday.
k, good talk