“Aww who’s having a baby?” I picked up the ultrasound picture from the floor and placed it on the nightstand next to the condom we just finished using. “Is it yours?” I said laughing.

“Yeah.” He answered dryly. I froze instantly. I stopped putting my bra and panties back on and stared at Rich in disbelief. My heart sunk. I was fully expecting him to tell me it was his older sisters or one of his frat brothers. For some reason it never occurred to me that he would be so careless. Every single time he and I were intimate, he was adamant about using protection. He even texted me often to remind me to refill my birth control. So how did this happen?

“Is it…her?” My voice trembled as I spoke. He nodded slowly. We both got fully dressed in silence. He escorted me to his car and tucked me into the passengers side before getting into the drivers side and starting the engine. It was our routine. I didn’t even need to think. My body knew it would take exactly 14 minutes to get from his townhouse on the West side of Baltimore to my dorm building.

“I’ll see you later.” He said once he stopped the car in front of my building. His statement sounded more like a question.

“Of course.” I answered with a forced smile. We kissed briefly as he opened my door to let me out of the car. As soon as my back was turned to him, the forced smile fell to the ground and anger arose in me as I vowed to never talk to him again. The anger stayed with me the next couple of days. It rose to a new height every day that passed without hearing from him. Why am I mad? He’s not even my boyfriend? 

Before this particular situation, I would’ve told you it was because of love. Love makes you do crazy things. But I was never in love with Rich. Sure, he’s a nice guy with a good head on his shoulder. He’s charismatic and handsome. He’s the perfect mix of thug and educated black man which are my two favorite things to mix in my romantic relationships. I could tell he was a street kid when I met him my freshman year at Morgan State University. He had just graduated the spring before my arrival at the prestigious university and even though we had a similar upbringing, I could tell he was REALLY about that life. It made me feel safe with him when we were around the dangerous city of Baltimore. I remember once sitting at the bus stop on the way to the mall. Two guys with their hoodies covering their heads came to the bus stop. I instantly felt unsafe. The taller of the two guys looked at me and I reached in my purse ready to hand him my wallet and cell phone. Before he could demand my valuables, the shorter one grabbed his arm and whispered something to him while staring at me. Both boys got up slowly and walked away. I was so relieved. I was in the mall for no more than 10 minutes when my phone rung with a call from Rich. He told me his young homies were looking for a come up and saw me at the bus stop by myself. He was on his way to pick me up.

Things like this is what formed our friendship and drew me to him. After my heartbreak with my high school love Isaac, Rich and I began sleeping together because he always made me feel safe whether he was around or not. It was just something special about him and the insecure girl in me wanted Rich to see something special in me. Our relationship was mostly physical but we had an unspoken unfiltered trust for each other. I was 100% sure I wasn’t the only girl he was sleeping with but I knew I was the only one that spent the night, hung out with his friends & took midday naps with him. We took unplanned city adventures together. He taught me the art of seduction, romance, and spontaneity. Even though I’ve currently been celibate for awhile now, most of my wildest sex stories came from my time with him (ask my friends). In retrospect, this is probably why it took him by surprise when I ended things with him to get in a relationship with a young man named Tyreek months later.

Some of you may already know that during my relationship with Tyreek, I cheated on him. Rich was the guy I cheated with. It felt like no matter how good things were going with Tyreek that a piece of me yearned to be with Rich. I knew I wasn’t in love with Rich so why did I feel like that?

Sound familiar? How many of us have been in a situation like this? A situation where you find yourself feening for someone you were never in a relationship with. If you’re like me, you check their social media often, looking for clues of their life and possible love interests. Staring at your message inbox waiting for their name to pop up on the notification bar. Why do we do that? Why do we subject ourselves to that type of mental/emotional torture? 

Chances are, it’s a soul tie. A soul tie is an emotional bond or connection that unites you with someone else. A soul tie goes past what interests you have in common with someone. It goes past their looks. It speaks directly to their soul. Every human being is three parts, spirit, soul and body. The spirit is the essence of God in you. It’s where your purpose is and who you are (and who God has called you to be). The soul is your own will and emotions (your goals, how you see yourself, how you feel). The body is your physical attributes (hair color, body shape, height). So, when you have a soul tie with someone they are directly effecting your will and emotions. This is why I was so fixated on Rich. Although I was never in love with him, through our physical relationship, we had formed a soul tie that was the root cause of me going outside of who I am at the core (my spirit) and cheating on a nice boy like Tyreek. It’s also the reason that last week when Rich watched my Instagram Story I screenshot it after my heart skipped a few beats.

In secular society we underestimate the power of a soul tie. We think that if we still have those emotional responses to someone we were once intimate with that it is an indicator we are still in love with them. Some people even think that it is a sign that they are ‘meant to be’ with someone who has been physical or mentally abusive or toxic. It is the reason your boyfriend’s baby mama still slashes his tires even though she’s dating someone else. It is the reason we tell a girl that she’ll always have a piece of your heart when you’re in a relationship with someone else. It’s the reason we create fake social media pages to look through the life of someone we used to mess around with. It’s the reason you tell your boys the sex is so good it’s worth her crazy antics. It’s the reason your man cheats on you with a woman who isn’t as pretty as you but he tells you he’s only in love with you.

Are you still in love or is it a soul tie?

Honestly, it’s difficult to say and thats the true danger of forming a soul tie with someone you aren’t committed to. It can create new baggage for you that harms a new relationship and cause confusion. We have all heard someone say that when you have sex with someone you are having sex with everyone they had sex with. It’s a weird saying but it’s true. When you have sex with someone their emotions, baggage, and habits become your own especially if it continues over time. If you don’t believe me, think of something you didn’t do before you got in your last relationship. Maybe it was smoking, drinking, lying, reading, a music artist, a phrase or word, etc. Most of us have one or two things we continue to do after a relationship ends that we got from the other person and every time we do them it reminds us of that person.

But soul ties don’t have to be bad or with a romantic relationship. We have soul ties with our friends too. These soul ties are when you haven’t spoken to your childhood friend in months but when you do you pick up right where you left off. Or how your best friend can tell how your day is going based on the way you add punctuation in a text. Another example is when you hear THAT one song and it transports you to a favorite memory. Without trying you can taste your grandma’s signature dish and hear the fellas yelling at the results of the game. A soul tie.

Although the Bible never mentions a soul tie by that name it talks about how David & Johnathan were friends that were so close they were knitted together at the soul. It also talks about how God never intended for humans to be alone. In fact it talks about how it is bad for man to be alone. We are SUPPOSED to form soul ties but ones that are beneficially and positive. This is the main reason I decided to be celibate after my last relationship. I’m naturally an emotionally person and a lot of how I was feeling was based on the weight I had taken on by forming a soul tie with my ex. His problems became my problems and his worries kept me up at night. For a moment I thought about taking him up on his offer to raise his kids with him even though anyone who knows mw knows I don’t get along with people’s kids. I told God that I didn’t want to feel this way for someone who did not feel the same for me. I wanted to feel this way about someone who would take on my burdens and help me as they help themself. I want my future husband to be able to connect with me past the physical and the emotional. I want my future husband to be knitted to my soul but how can he be knitted to me when there is already others who were taking up that space?

This is why I no longer open myself up to be in situationships like Rich or toxic relationships like Isaac or PJ. That doesn’t mean I am not dating or open to dating but the way I approach it is completely different than before. I do not get intimate with any man who is not marriage minded or has no interest in self growth. If I meet a man, he has to stimulate me with his conversation about social injustices, spirituality, & goals BEFORE his number gets saved in my phone. If he does not or cannot, his thread is deleted and I move on before I get invested. Some of you may think this is harsh or boujee or stuck up but really its a time saver. Why waste your time on someone you KNOW cannot do anything to improve your life? They can be an acquaintances but you are setting yourself up for future failure if you associate with people who do not have value in things like morals or goals. Think of it this way, if I know for sure that I want a taco for dinner, why would I go to Red Lobster to see what’s on the menu? It’s a waste of time. No matter how much money, success, or status you have, time is the only thing you can never get more of. So, don’t waste yours.

k, good talk


Sn: For a detailed look at how I date click HERE